Shinigami School for Dummies
by reno385
Summary: An alternate universe where all the main characters are students at the Soul Reaper Academy and the captains are teachers? That's messed up. Strange and random, but with a plot. RR please! :
1. Why Not to Take Public Commute

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except this story and even its components belong to someone else...**

A/N: OK well I'm a big Bleach fan and after about two months of trying to figure out a Bleach fic I could fit into canon storyline and have all the characters in a climax-resolution, I couldn't do it. So this fic is completely non-canon and would never ever EVER happen in the show. EVER. Enjoy and please R R :)

Note: This fic features characters up to the beginning of the Heuco Mundo arc, but if you're not there yet don't worry... none of the storyline will be spoiled except for characters you won't recognize... also as far as the language goes I want to go with the dub over the sub (I.e. Soul Reaper rather than Shinigami) though I might slip up somewhere just by habit, although Shinigami sounds better in the title to me than Soul Reaper.

**Prologue**

One sunny day, everyone found themselves sitting around Urahara's shop at no particular time for no particular reason. Well, everyone important anyway. (sorry Rin Rin, Cloud, Nova... nothing personal, I just hate you)

"Uh... what were we just doing? And why are we sitting around in a circle on the floor like this...?" Uryuu wondered out loud.

"...spin the bottle?" Renji suggested, raising his eyebrows at Rukia. He was answered by a punch to the face. "Not today, Renji."

Orihime looked pensive. "Hey guys... this is random but, have you ever wondered if there was an alternate universe other than our own?"

Everyone looked at each other. "You mean like Soul Society?"

"No, beyond that. Another universe with another living world and another Soul Society and another me and another you."

Yoruichi rubbed her chin. "I wonder if that is possible, possible, possible..."

Urahara raised an eyebrow. "Failed attempt at echo fade, eh? Here's how to do it, do it, do it..."

(fade to black)

**Chapter 1- Why Not to Take Public Commute**

As the sun rose beyond the distant horizon over the quaint huts of the lower Rukon district, Isshin Kurosaki stood on the roof of his house, taking in the view. He was joyous, yet saddened, that his son was leaving for his first day at Soul Reaper Academy. He would miss him, but he knew young Ichigo would always be looking to his old dad as a role model, so full of respect for his beloved father...

His thoughts were interrupted by a pan to the back of the head thrown by his son. "Old man, why are you always standing out here staring at the sun?"

Isshin turned around, angered, with a sizable pink knot on his cranium. "What do you think?! It was for dramatic effect!"

"Dramatic effect? You're gonna get pneumonia standing out here like this."

"Ha! No problem, I'm a doctor."

Ichigo narrowed his eyes. "Just because you found a dirty old stethoscope in the street doesn't make you a doctor."

"Yeah, well just because you have crazy orange hair doesn't make you a rebel."

"It does too!" Ichigo threw another pan at his dad, this one barely dodged.

"How many of those do you have?"

"Enough to shut you up!"

"HEY!!!" shouted Ichigo's sister, Karin, from below. "You're gonna be late for the train."

"Yeah, come get your breakfast quick!" called his other sister, Yuzu, from below.

After a delicious breakfast and stretched out farewells to his father and sisters, Ichigo entered into the streets of lower Rukon. He was wearing white tennis shoes, blue jeans, and a yellow T-shirt. He was soon met up by his two friends, Keigo and Mizuiro. Mizuiro was passively content while Keigo was practically bouncing off the walls. "Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiichigo! Are you excited or what?! We're finally gonna be Soul Reapers!"

Ichigo, still looking forward and walking at a constant pace as though not acknowledging his energetic friend, responded, "How the hell did you even get admitted into the academy in the first place? You have no fighting abilities, no spiritual pressure, and you're just a loser..."

"Ah, harsh, man! But I'm an important staple to the show! It wouldn't last two episodes without me."

"You are not a staple!" He randomly pulled one out of his pocket. "_This _is a staple. Face it, you're just a side show sketched in for cheap, meaningless laughs when the rest of us don't feel like doing anything important. If I were to describe you in one word, it would be 'expendable'."

Mizuiro and Ichigo continued walking as Keigo stopped dead in his tracks, his mouth open in disbelief. "How can you say such things..."

"That was kind of mean, Ichigo..." Mizuiro said.

"Yeah, I know... I guess I'm just nervous about the academy. Sorry, Keigo."

Keigo started to cry. "But I thought we were friends, pals, buddies, copains, amigos, just two saucy guys living life to the fullest--"

"Shut the hell up! What are you even talking about? I said I was sorry."

Keigo shook it off by the time they got to the train station, still literally bouncing off invisible walls as they got their tickets... waited on the platform... and even in the train on the way to the academy, he was still energetic as ever. Finally, Ichigo grabbed his collar and threw him down into a set. "Sit down and shut up, will ya!?"

"OK, OK, no need to be rude..." Keigo shook himself off as he looked out the window. He could see the massive wall of the Seireitei approaching as the train neared the station at the base of the wall. When they got there, they would be escorted to the academy to begin their training. As excited as he was, he stayed calm as silently directed by the demonic glare from Ichigo.

A/N: Well that's my chapter 1. Unlike my last Bleach fic, I'm actually planning on making a chapter 2... in which I plan to introduce more main characters. I do want to fit as many as I can into this story, somewhere, somehow... anyway. Hope you enjoyed and reviews are greatly appreciated:)


	2. Why Not to Anger Short People

**Disclaimer: Really, if I owned anything, I would shout it to the world. But I don't...**

A/N: Hey everyone :) Thanks for the nice reviews, I guess this fic caught on quick. Now I'm under too much pressure to be funny... (j/k).

**Chapter 2- Why Not to Anger Short People**

When the train had come to a stop, the three boys got off into the warm morning sunlight of a new day. The wall to the Seireitei and its gate loomed stories above them.

"Isn't someone supposed to meet us here?" Mizuiro asked. They looked around and spotted, on the other side of the platform, an angry-looking boy with crazy silver hair holding a sign above his head that read, "Soul Reaper Academy Students". They approached him.

Ichigo, with a forced smile, jovially greeted, "Hi! Your sign depicts us." But, as he looked closer, he noticed that it wasn't a boy after all, but just a human-size cardboard stand shaped like a boy. They looked at it, confused, then startled by the sudden message that sounded from it.

"Hello, academy-bound students. My name is Toshirou Hitsugaya and I don't give a rat's ass about you, which is why I made this replica of me to greet you instead of the real me. Please press the green button to continue."

They looked down and noticed two buttons. A red one read in words above it, 'Press me.' A green one, on the other hand, read the words, 'DON'T press me.' The three looked at each other in confusion. Finally, Keigo raised a brave finger and cautiously pressed the green button.

Suddenly, a boxing glove on a spring shot out and hit Keigo square in the jaw, who went flying through the air, saliva flying from his mouth. As he hit the ground, a referee stepped in from the background and shouted, "Knock Out!", stole Keigo's wallet from his pocket, and ran away.

"That was strange..." Mizuiro commented, pushing the red button. Another message began.

"Did you enjoy that? Yes, that's how much I hate you and the rest of the world. Now take these tickets and show it to the man standing by the gate." Three tickets rolled out of the mouth. Ichigo nervously tore them out.

The now conscious Keigo joined his two friends, who stepped off the platform and approached the guard. He was ridiculously and impractically large like that other loser (what was his name...? Jidanbo). When he saw these tickets, he opened the gate and they stepped through.

Inside the walls of Seireitei, a sign pointed to a meager shack by the wall, reading, 'Entrance to Academy'. They entered. Inside there were no windows and it was completely dark except for a single torch on the wall. Under it sat Mayuri Kurotsuchi. His wide eyes shifted to the three as they entered. In a low, raspy voice, he said, "Welcome to the lair of the demon." He shrunk down into the darkness and rose back up in front of Ichigo, towering over him and demanding, "Are you frightened, little girl?"

He was responded with a yawn. "So you're like, what, the janitor?"

"The janitor? How dare you?! I am Captain Kurotsuchi! Tremble before me as fear creeps over your bodies!" Ding. Suddenly he went from dark and demonic to cheerful, with a big smile on his face and a pink aura surrounding him. "Ah! Cookies are ready!"

The entrance then opened. Kurotsuchi announced, "Well, these must be the last four students I was expecting." Standing before them in the doorway were Chad, Orihime, Tatsuki, and Uryuu.

"Wait, hold on!" shouted Rukia in the middle of a game of twister at Urahara's shop. "Uryuu would never become a Soul Reaper."

Yoruichi flicked the spinner. "Left foot green! Hey, wait a minute... why the hell are we all playing Twister now?"

Uryuu, who was twisted in a knot below Rukia, replied to her question, "Yes, that's common knowledge, isn't it?"

"I know but I thought somewhere in some part of the universe... or even another... it was relevant information, ation, ation..."

"Welcome to the lair of, ah screw it no one ever gets scared." A light switched was flipped, revealing a plain white room with an oven in the corner. Kurotsuchi put on a pair of oven mitts and pulled the cookies out of the oven.

"Does anybody want any cookies?"

Silence.

"They're shaped like Konjiki Ashisogi Jizou."

Silence.

"I used gummi candy on some parts of the cookie to make it more colorful..."

Silence.

"Well, whatever." He pulled a switch on the wall, which opened the floor and dropped the students into darkness into a roller coaster. Somehow the managed to fall in such a perfect formation that they landed two to a car but they were still in complete darkness. "Please keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times," said Kurotsuchi over an intercom as the roller coaster began to roll and speed up through the darkness.

They all screamed like little girls as the coaster whizzed around on twists and turns and loops. Finally light could be seen, and the coaster shot along the track into an open plaza and came to a screeching halt. Their hair was all messed up and Keigo was in dire need of a change of underpants, but they stumbled their way out of the coaster and regained their barings. As they did so, they began to introduce themselves to each other. My name is bla bla bla I'm from who cares and I hope to yada yada you get the point.

So they found themselves in front of the massive Soul Reaper academy. The plaza was bustling with students and random other people walking in, out, and around the school. They started walking towards the front doors. On the way, Ichigo noticed a stand on the side with various bowls of Jello. A sign above read, 'Free for students.' "I am pretty hungry I guess." He approached the stand.

"Hi, there!" called a particularly happy student also approaching the stand. He wore a wide smile and was waving at Ichigo. "What's your name?"

"Uh... Ichigo Kurosaki. First year."

"Really? That's such an awesome name. I'm Renji Abarai, by the way. Second year. You have orange hair!" He laughed jovially.

"You have red hair!" Ichigo said, suddenly feeling happy himself, and matching Renji's laugh.

"Those are both uncommon hair colors for Japanese people!" They laughed together. "Ah, boy... good times. Ichigo, I feel like you and I will be best friends forever."

"Well, that's just awesome." Ichigo took a bowl of green Jello, dumped it all in his mouth, and swallowed. "Ah... tasty." When he looked back at Renji, he saw that the wide grin had melted into disbelief. "Did you... just take the last green Jello?"

"Uh... yeah, sorry. There's a blue one right there, I'll get it for you..." But as soon as Ichigo grabbed the bowl, Renji had produced a sword from somewhere and smashed the bowl with it. "How dare you even offer me such an unnatural color of Jello as... BLUE?! You die now! Roar, Zabima-"

He was suddenly hit in the back of the head by something. When he keeled over, Ichigo saw it was a short, black-haired girl standing behind him who had smacked him. "I'm sorry about Renji. He's a dumb ass. It's not his fault, really, it's a hereditary thing I think."

"Right... and you are?"

She took out her zanpaku-tou and held it in a samurai-like pose. "I am Rukia Kuchiki from the Kuchiki family, second year. My area of specialty is kidou and I like long walks on the bleach."

"Uh, don't you mean the beach?"

"Right, what did I say?"

"You said... never mind. Hey, what the hell? Was that some kind of stupid callback to the show you're writing a fiction about, _in _the fiction? How retarded is that?"

Suddenly a woman's voice boomed over the plaza from what must have been an intercom or megaphone. "Attention all students! This is Soifon speaking. GET YOUR ASSES IN THE LECTURE HALL BEFORE I SKIN YOU ALL ALIVE!!! You have two minutes, and for every second you are late, I will give you ten years of detention. Also, the countdown started one minute and forty seconds ago so MOVE IT! That is all."

With that, all of the students in the plaza got up and scrambled quickly through the main doors.

Well that's Chapter 2. Uneventful but the next one will be better, check my profile for details if you so choose... reviews greatly appreciated! Show me da love.


	3. Why Not to Play with Fire

**Disclaimer: I still don't own anything and probably never will.**

Chapter 3! Is the third chapter. After the second, before the fourth. Don't know what else to say.

Oh yeah and FYI... a shihakusho is the name for those black Shinigami robes.

**Chapter 3- Why Not to Play With Fire**

"C'mon, follow us!" shouted Rukia to the 1st year students (who will hereby be referred to as the noobs). "We'll show you where to go." She and Renji ran towards the building as the others followed, running over people who had fallen down along the way. By the time they got to the door, it was lodged shut with students crammed in so that nobody could get in or out. Suddenly a bell resonated throughout the building. Soifon-sensei casually stepped in front of them. "Tsk, tsk. You all have at this point forty years of detention each and counting. Oh, well... this is the first day so I guess it can slide. Now HURRY UP IN HERE BEFORE I WHOOP ON YOUR BEHINDS!!!" The massive sound waves emanating from her managed to dislodge the students, causing them to fall over. They all got up and calmly made their way into the main hall.

The main hall was just a long, tall hallway that stretched forever down a straight path, with doors and smaller hallways branching off. The floors were made of wood and the white walls were decorated with classic Asian style windows and pictures and whatnot. You've seen what the inside looks like anyway right?

Almost immediately to the right of the entrance was another door leading into the lecture hall. The lecture hall was fashioned like an amphitheater, stretched upward fifteen stories tall, and could fit every Shinigami student enrolled and his brother. The seating was divided into three sections: a mass of seating on the bottom, one above it in the middle, and another above it on the top.

Renji and Rukia made their way up a lot of stairs to the second section where they found two seats, followed by Ichigo, Chad, Uryuu, Orihime, Tatsuki, Keigo, and Mizuiro, who sat in a nice little 3x3 block with three in a row in three rows. On the massive stage below, almost a thousand chairs were set up in nice, neat rows. "How big is this school?" asked Orihime out loud.

"I heard that it's so big that they need a thousand teachers just to accommodate all the students," answered Tatsuki, the rumor apparently confirmed by the number of chairs below. As students filled into the room, Rukia explained what was going on to the mass of noobs that had followed her up.

"This is where the headmaster introduces himself and the other teachers and explains how this school works. Just remember, this is a very serious establishment, so you must stay formal and sophisticated at all times, especially in this room."

"Peanuts! Get your salty, oily, buttery peanuts! Now with only 3 percent of the lethal dose of rat feces!" shouted a vendor a few aisles below.

"Yo, up here!" called Renji, throwing money at the vendor in exchange for a green bag of peanuts. As he was about to open them he noticed a glare from Rukia. "...what? I'm hungry."

"Don't you dare make me use this..." warned Rukia, taking out from under her shihakusho a large red rubber hand on a handle, with a picture of a frowning Renji on it.

"No!" He threw the peanuts in the direction of the back seats. "Not the disciplinator, please!"

"Alright then." She put it away.

"Silence, everyone!" shouted the old, old, ridiculously incredibly old headmaster below, after all the teachers had sat in their seats and he himself was standing up in the middle of the stage in front of his own chair. "Silence, silence! You with the glasses up there! Stop talking!" He pointed at Uryuu, which is strange because if I recall he hasn't even said anything yet.

When everyone quieted down, he cleared his throat. "I am headmaster Yamamoto. Welcome to Soul Reaper Academy. One thing you will learn about this place is that I am quick to expel all and any students who disturb this establishment. And by expel, I mean I will light you on fire. With my magic fiery powers. Oooooooooooh!" He waved his fingers in the air mysteriously.

A student coughed somewhere on the first floor. Immediately the headmaster pointed a finger at him and the student suddenly combusted, turning into a pile of ash on the chair in 1.2 seconds flat. "Any questions? No? None? You!" He pointed out a girl in the first row, who cringed.

"Don't worry, you needn't be afraid of me. I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. Do you know what it is?"

"Um... 7?" ZAP! Another pile of ash. "Correct! Congratulations. Now I guess I should introduce all the teachers and explain all the rules of the school, however, that would be boring and tedious and it would be much more fun to combust random students as you all scurry out in a frantic manner."

Nobody moved.

"I SAID GET THE HELL OUT!" he thundered, causing students to quickly escape from the room. "He must be in a bad mood," Chad commented as they ran out the door into a hallway.

"Yeah, he gets like this at the beginning of every year, I hear," answered Renji.

The door they came out was on the eighth floor. It was a mirror image of the first, with a long hallway that never ended. As they regrouped, fifth and sixth year student officers were wandering around, spreading news of what to do. "All students years two through six report to your respective dormitories. All freshman follow us to the Courtyard of Agony and Despair."

Despite its name, the Courtyard of Agony and Despair was a rather pleasant place. It was high up in the building, on the roof of at least the tenth or eleventh floor, but on all four sides of the large square park, walls with uniform windows on them stretched higher still, boxing it in. The courtyard itself was reminiscent of a Tokyo park, scattered with green trees, small gardens, park benches, and even lamp posts, on a smooth white tile floor.

The park was packed with confused and nervous kids in regular clothes. There were also a few student officers from higher grades in shihakushos looking over them.

From a door on the other side of the courtyard entered a dark-haired, professional-looking woman with glasses and skirt of modest length.

"All freshman line up in the shape of a K!" she commanded.

"Why?"

"BECAUSE SENSEI WILLS IT SO!!!" The freshmen hastily lined up as so.

"Now." She straightened her glasses. "My name is Nanao. I am the aide of Shunsui Kyoraku, professor of zanpaku-tou classes. Now if only he would show up, we could get started..."

Suddenly, a whoosh of air (yes, a whoosh) came from above as a black silhouette appeared out of nowhere, its sword gleaming in the sunlight as it came down from above, stopping in front of Nanao. The light shone on the silhouette, showing it was a tall, hairy man in a pink robe decorated with flowers, wearing a round straw hat like all stereo-typical samurai do. He was facing the students and his head was down, and when he raised it he uttered, "I... am Shunsui Kyoraku."

As he finished his sentence, Nanao's shihakusho silently tore into three cuts, in the shape of a K. All the students clapped and cheered; Nanao, however, seemed rather unpleased. "Sir, is it possible for you to make an entrance without ruining my clothes?"

"It is not." He then turned to the students and began to explain just what in the world they were doing.

Finally the end of the chapter... sorry it took me awhile to update, truth be told I had the bulk of this finished about a week ago but I couldn't come up with a good ending... heh... so. Reviews very appreciated please!


	4. Why Not to Develop a Zorro Complex

**Disclaimer: I still own nothing... one of these days I will. One of these days...**

**Chapter 4- Why Not to Develop a Zorro Complex**

Two student officers carried in a large purple chest and dropped it in front of Kyoraku-sensei. "Thank you, minions. Here, have a coupon for a free small fry at Burger King. You've earned it. Now the rest of you, pay attention!" he commanded, "because I will only explain this once. In this box is a zanpaku-tou for each of you. In an orderly fashion you will come get one, then look for the student officer from your respective dorm and stand near him or her until we are done here."

Uryuu, who was in front, raised a hand. "Excuse me!"

"What is it?"

"Isn't a zanpaku-tou supposed to be part of a Soul Reaper's being? Doesn't it take years of reflection and meditation to earn the use of one's zanpaku-tou, unique to that one person?"

Shunsui blinked. "To reiterate... put your hand in the box, pull one out, and go away." The students lined up in a single file as Nanao opened the chest and did as they were told. As he inched forward in line, Ichigo's mind was racing with questions.

_I wonder what my zanpaku-tou will look like?_

_What will the released form be?_

_Will the zanpaku-tou's spirit like me?_

_What if the spirit of my zanpaku-tou is a seasoned warrior, who can teach me the many techniques of battle?_

_What if it's a wise sage, savvy in the strategies I must employ to be a good Soul Reaper?_

_What if it's a giant taco? That would be so flippin' sweet..._

_Oh God I hope it's a taco._

_Wait... is there something in my teeth? I can feel a piece of food between my front teeth but I can't get it out... should I pick it out? No, people will stare. But wait... they're already staring at me... laughing at me... mocking me... ostracizing me... WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!_

"Hey kid, you got something in your teeth." said Kyoraku.

"What?"

Nanao pushed up her glasses, and in an annoyed tone, said, "Don't just stand there, get a zanpaku-tou and move so the rest of the students can get one."

"Oh... sorry. Must have spaced out." He peered into the chest. It was filled with ordinary-looking swords. He was about to grab a dorky yellow one when something else caught his eye. The end of a large hilt barely poked out from the bottom. Ichigo reached, grabbed it, and pulled. It was heavy... heavier than a zanpaku-tou should be. He pulled and pulled and pulled some more.

Then he pulled some more. He pulled and he pulled.

And pulled and pulled and... well hell if that isn't redundant I don't know what is. The damn thing was heavy, you get the idea.

He finally pulled out what was easily the most impractically large sword ever created in the known universe. And the real one. And that other one that smells really bad. You know the one I mean.

It was nearly five feet long and had a black hilt. Near the bottom of the blade it read, 'Property of Cloud Strife'.

"Well it's mine now," chuckled Ichigo. "Can I get another one?"

"No."

"But you have two."

"Because I _deserve _two." He motioned for Ichigo to leave. As Ichigo walked away, Uryuu, who was behind him, stepped up, but was for some reason distracted. There were pink hearts floating above his head and he was gawking at Nanao. "I... noticed you pushed up your glasses," he choked nervously.

"Yes, they often slip down my nose."

"Mine too... heh heh... heh." He cleared his throat and pushed up his glasses.

Shunsui sighed and scratched his head. "What is this, the retard convention? Grab a sword and GO. Not that hard." Uryuu regained his bearings and took out a plain-looking sword with a green hilt, and behind him was Tatsuki with an orange-hilted zanpaku-tou.

"So where are we supposed to go? Which officer is from my dorm?" Ichigo asked as the two approached him. Uryuu looked around. "Well... there are four officers with four emblems on, one for each dorm so it should be simple."

Tatsuki nodded. "Yeah, don't you know which dorm is yours? It was on the acceptance letter you got in the mail."

"Well my dorm is Shihouin Hall," Uryuu said.

"Mine too," confirmed Tatsuki.

"Yeah I think that's what mine was too," said Ichigo. "So aren't all the dorms named after the four noble families?"

"Not all of them." Tatsuki answered. "The four dorms of the academy are called Shihouin, Kuchiki, Cherry, and Watermelon."

"What's with those last two? It's as if they forgot the other two families' names and named them after flavors of Jolly Rancher instead."

"Maybe they were hungry when they named them?" suggested Uryuu.

"That doesn't make sense though," Ichigo argued.

Tatsuki scowled. "Does that really surprise you? After three whole chapters of stumbling through mindless non-sense? I mean, it's like this is all a concoction of the sick, demented mind of some horrible, horrible person with an IQ of 33, all the ridiculous sub-standard crap we've dealt with so far and this is only the first day!"

Orihime, who had joined them sometime during the rant along with Mizuiro and Chad, chuckled nervously and noted, "How... explosive of you Tatsuki. KABOOM!!! Ha ha ha ha... drugs."

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

"The last word you said."

"Oh, um, I said sunshine rainbow bunny rabbit."

Everyone nodded, agreeing that that was totally something she would say. "Hey, aren't we missing someone?"

Keigo, who was last in line, eagerly approached the chest, as Nanao slammed it shut. "Well, that's all of them."

"Wait!" cried Keigo. "What about my zanpaku-tou?"

"What about it?"

"Are they all gone?"

Kyoraku reopened the box and peered inside. "I'm sure there must be one left... hold on a sec. I see one. It's waaaaaaaay down there." He reached in and pulled out a bent up sword with a rusty blade so gnarled it looked like it got in a fight with a blender and lost horribly. On the blade were spray painted certain-- obscene-- messages. Kyoraku stared at it with disgust, then handed it over to Keigo. "Here... enjoy. All right everyone, you're dismissed. Nanao, bring in the next batch of noobs."

"Yes sir."

Ichigo and friends all put their zanpaku-tou in their belts and approached the student officer with the Shihouin family insignia on his kimono. He briefly introduced himself. "My name is Shuuhei Hisagi and I am a sixth year student. However, you all will refer to me as Roberta. Don't ask questions. Follow me."

He took the sixty or so students and led them back through the school. After five or so minutes of walking through monotonous hallways, they came out to a wooden walkway with a roof over it extending across a pond and garden several stories below, into the side of another, smaller building. This building had the Shihouin insignia on it as well, on the wall over the entrance.

"This is Shihouin Hall. This is where you'll be living for the next six years." He slid open the door and stepped in, motioning for them to follow.

Okay chapter 4 was up pretty quick compared to the other chapters. But don't expect number 5 to be up so fast as well! These things take time to work in my head but for some reason this chap just came to me... whatever. Ch 5 has more Rukia and Renji plus an OC of mine and other characters you know and love (or not). Review please :)


	5. Why Not to Drink the Bong Water

**Disclaimer: You know the drill...**

A/N: Have they ever mentioned the currency used in Soul Society? I'm just gonna make one up as need be... if anyone knows the real one feel free to let me know so I can change it lol.

**Chapter 5- Why Not to Drink the Bong Water**

As Hisagi entered--

"My name is Roberta!"

Right... as Roberta entered the white-walled building, so did the noobs behind him, stumbling along like a crowd of tourists. Just in the doors, the first room was a small, dim foyer with a somewhat tall ceiling. The floor was gray marble and there were Roman-style chairs and furniture against the walls of the room, which were also gray marble except for an orange band running along the walls under the ceiling.

In the center of the room was a granite statue shaped like a sitting cat, with a fountain of water flowing out from the mouth and into a pool in the base of the statue. If the noobs hadn't inferred an artistic theme from that room alone, they would've caught it when the entered the next one.

It was a rather large room. The floor, walls, and ceiling in here were also gray marble. It was two stories tall and had a walkway on the second floor wrapping all around the walls, with numerous doors all around. There was a large doorway on the opposite wall covered by a red veil. On either side of the doorway there were two stairways leading up to the second floor walkway, all along which were banisters made of some smooth white stone. Torches all along the walls and glowing chandeliers hanging from the ceiling helped light up the room, with the addition of a few skylights above. There were Shinigami students, some in shihakushos and some in regular clothes, scattered throughout the hall. Some were casually chatting with each other, some were dashing in and out of rooms as though they needed to be somewhere, some were just sitting around and doing homework. It was all a rather elegant yet relaxed environment.

The only strange thing about it was all the paintings of one particular dark-skinned woman with long purple hair. There were famous paintings all over the walls of the hall such as the Mona Lisa and American Gothic, except, where there should have been other people, there was the same purple-haired woman.

EVERY.

SINGLE.

PAINTING.

"Hey... who's that lady?" Chad whispered to Tatsuki. She nudged him. "That's Yoruichi Shihouin, head of the Shihouin family. She donated this dorm to the academy. Duh?"

"Hmm..."

Suddenly, harp music could be heard playing from particularly nowhere and a ray of heavenly light shone in from the skylights. Through the veil-covered door on the other side of the room entered none other than Yoruichi Shihouin, smiling softly as though enjoying her own presence. She was wearing a toga made of soft white linen and several doves flew in circles around her, chirping.

"Ah, I see that the new students are here. Thank you, Roberta, for bringing the young children here. You may be dismissed."

"Thank you, Shihouin-sama." He bowed and walked away.

"Welcome, young children, to the Soul Reaper Academy! Your name is posted on the door of the room where you will be staying. This dormitory is very light and casual, so there are not many rules. The only rule is that I require a virgin to be sacrificed to me at the festival that we throw every month. That is all."

With that, she went back behind the red veil. Orihime nervously chuckled. "Was she joking about that last part?"

"Like you have to worry about that," muttered Tatsuki.

"Huh? What exactly do you mean?"

"Nothing, nothing..." she quickly glanced at Ichigo before heading towards the upper level to find her room. Ichigo just shook his head with a blind expression. Everyone shrugged and dispersed.

Ichigo was more interested in the red veil than looking for his room upstairs, so he approached it and peeked inside. There was a stairwell that went down and twisted back under the main hall. There was an eerie red glow about the stairwell as he made his way down. At the bottom of the stairs was some sort of lounge room. This room was made of brown-yellow marble and dimly lit with the same red glow. There were many red curtains along the walls, and some sort of odorless smoky gas seemed to fill the room.

The room was packed with students sitting on sofas, enjoying beverages, chatting, even sleeping.Ichigo wandered around, confused, feeling as though he had accidentally stepped into a bad rendition of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

"Hey Ichigo, over here!" called someone from another part of the room. He couldn't see who it was so he followed the sound and saw that it was Rukia waving at Ichigo, motioning for him to come over. As he did, he saw she was sitting next to Renji, who was playing cards with someone else.

Rukia was still dressed in shihakushos, but it had seemed that after the meeting in the lecture room Renji had hastily changed into more comfortable clothing, sporting that dorky hippy outfit that he loved so much to wear.

Renji's opponent was wearing baggy jeans, black shoes, and a brown T-shirt with a white one under it. He had black hair that was spiky in the front and a short goatee. He was holding a hand of five cards close to his face, studying them intently as if somehow perplexed.

"Are you gonna go or what?" demanded Renji.

"I'm thinking." He raised an eyebrow, dropped it, then glanced at Renji. He then withdrew from his pocket a plush Sonic the Hedgehog doll and laid it on the table. "I'm putting Sonic on the table. He's worth at least... ten silver pieces."

"Ten? More like six."

"No way. Check this out." He pulled a string on the doll, causing it to speak. "Why did the chicken cross the road? To buy more Sonic games!"

"It even tells jokes."

Renji laughed. "That is pretty funny... all right. Ten silver pieces."

Rukia raised an eyebrow. "You know that doll is just Sega propaganda trying to brainwash you, right?"

"Rukia, your face is the only one trying to brainwash us. Hey... who the hell is this orange hair kid staring at me?"

"Uh, Ichigo Kurosaki, first year."

"Mhmm... Ichigo. Hey isn't that Japanese for strawberry?"

"No way, it means 'number 1 guardian'."

"Bullshit it does. Your name is strawberry. Deal with it. My name's Kame by the way, second year."

"Nice to meet you," Ichigo mustered in an attempt to be polite. "So, when do classes even start?"

Rukia sighed, shaking her head.

"Uh oh," Renji warned. "Rukia's going into know-it-all mode."

"Ichigo, Ichigo. Didn't you read the acceptance paper you got in the mail?"

"Of course I did!" _If by 'read' you mean 'imagined Orihime in a skimpy Pikachu outfit and pretended I was Ash',_ he thought.

Break

A red light flashed through Urahara's shop as a siren blared. Everyone was running about in a panic. Urahara, who had stepped out of the bathroom, was curious. "What's going on?" he inquired.

Everyone stopped in their tracks as the light and siren ceased. Everyone scratched their head. "That's a good question..."

"And, and why is Aizen here?!" he asked in surprise.

Former captain Aizen, who was apparently there the whole time, shrugged. "Beats me. I was looking for the bathroom, I got lost, and I somehow ended up here."

"You got lost on the way to the bathroom and ended up... here?" asked Orihime.

Aizen shrugged again. "There's only two bathrooms in Las Noches and Ulquiorra just _has_ to take forever to get ready in the morning so I had to walk all the way to the other bathroom on the other side of the building and took a few wrong turns and... I guess I ended up here."

"Wow..." Chad pondered out loud. "You're kind of a dumbass, aren't you?"

"No I'm not, I uh... this is all just an illusion... oooooooohhh..."

"No it's not."

"Uh... binding spell number 32! And a half! Vanish!" A cloud of smoke shot from Aizen's feet and filled the room. As it disappeared, he could be seen struggling out of the window.

Urahara rolled his eyes. "Now what was with that alarm just now?"

"There was a plot hole!" shouted Uryuu, who seemed stressed.

"A what?"

Rukia nodded. "Ichigo made a reference to having impure thoughts about Orihime before he supposedly met her in chapter 2!"

"I did?"

SMACK! "Ichigo, how could you?"

"I don't know!"

SMACK!

"Stop hitting me!"

Urahara shrugged. "Meh, don't worry about it. Anything as stupid as this fic has to have at least one plot hole, I guess..."

break

Back in the lounge room, Rukia began to explain the procedure to Ichigo. "You picked your classes back when you got your acceptance letter, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then today you got your zanpaku-tou. Tomorrow you go to the office to get your school uniform, then we rest. Classes start the day after."

"Right... could you go over that for me?"

She sighed. "I suppose. You have a choice of twelve classes, four core and eight elective. The four core classes you must take are for each of the four skills that Soul Reapers possess: swordsmanship, shunpo, hand-to-hand combat, and kidou skills. You have to take the introductory level of all these classes, while we second years must take the lower intermediate level classes, and so on."

"Oh, I see."

"And if you excel enough in a class, and you are interested in improving your skills in that class, the sensei may choose you to be one of their aides to teach a few of their classes."

"Right, I knew all that. Well I suppose I should go look for my dorm room... see you guys later."

Well that's chapter 5. I didn't think this one was quite as funny but I just wanted to do a good job describing the dorm and explaining the process. Next chap should be the last one before classes actually start. Reviews appreciated


	6. Why Not to Push Unfamiliar Buttons

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach! I do however claim all the assets of Clorrox.**

Chad: I am so bored...

Orihime: Yeah... we've just been sitting here for like a month and a half. Weren't we supposed to do something?

Ichigo: I feel so... empty.

(door slams open, bringing in white light surrounding a mysterious silhouette standing in the doorway, as heavenly harp music plays)

Urahara: Hey, he came back! Is it true? Can this really finally be... chapter 6?

Mysterious Silhouette: Yep, it's true. I've made chapter 6.

Yoruichi: (throws a tomato at the silhouette) Well it's about damn time! What took you so long?

Mysterious Silhouette: Hey it's not my fault I was just too fricking busy! I had so much homework and studying to do for all the end-of-semester finals. And then I lost my muse. And then I got writer's block. And then I took a nap. Uhh, a lot of things happened actually but now I'm back! So if you all don't mind I think we can start the next chapter now.

Oh, and as a note, after all this time you may have forgotten who Kame is. He is my OC... for a better description in case you forgot look back at chapter 5. And I do sincerely apologize it took me so long to update, I sort of hit a block.

**Chapter 6- Why Not to Push Unfamiliar Buttons**

Ichigo bid casual farewells to the three second year students and went back the way he came. As he was going up the stairs, he was met by Uryuu coming down the stairs. Uryuu was hastily making his way down and abruptly stopped when he saw Ichigo, immediately regaining his cool as he pushed up his glasses and said calmly, "Oh, Ichigo, I was just looking for you. We're sharing a room."

"Sharing a room? You mean like sleeping in the same bed? Uh... all right, but, there will be no spooning. Unless I'm really, really, really, really drunk."

"...we have different beds..."

"Oh. Okay, let's go." He followed Uryuu, who was now feeling a little awkward back into the main hall and up the stairs onto the second floor. As the walked, Ichigo spoke up. "So, let me get this straight... classes start the day after tomorrow?"

"That's right. You sure do ask a lot of questions, Ichigo. Are you slow?"

He scowled. "What did you say?! For your information, I was asking for the benefit of the audience because it's easier to explain these things through dialogue."

Uryuu glared at him. "Will you once and for all **stop** using meta references? It's very unprofessional."

"Meta whosa watsit?"

Uryuu cleared his throat, pushing up his glasses. "Anyway, yes, that's true. Our schedules are also on our beds. Here, I got yours for you. It looks like we have a few classes together." Ichigo took the paper and read it.

* * *

Kurosaki Ichigo, yr 1

Course #1: Introductory Mathematics with Professor Aizen and aide Momo, room 2422

Course #2: Introductory Horticulture with Professor Hitsugaya and aide Rangiku, room 313

Course #3: Level 1 Hand-to-Hand Combat with Professor Soi Fon and aide Marechiyo, dojo #39

Course #4: Art 1 with Professor Ichimaru and aide Izuru, room 1640

Course #5: Level 1 Shunpo with Professor Kuchiki and aide Kame, courtyard #72

Course #6: Macro Economics with Professor Tousen and aide Shuuhei, room 2113

Course #7: Level 1 Zanpakutou Skills Development with Professor Kyoraku and aide Nanao, courtyard #31

Course #8: Early Soul Society Literature with Professor Ukitake and aide Rukia, room 225

Course #9: Chemistry I with Professor Kurotsuchi and aide Nemu, room B509

Course #10: Level 1 Kidou with Professor Komamura and aide Tetsuzaemon, courtyard #40

Course #11: Introductory Health Science with Professor Unohana and aide Isane, room 512

Course #12: Physical Education with Coach Zaraki and aide Yachiru, dojo #1

Predicted Status: Imminent Expulsion

* * *

"Huh? What's this at the bottom?" asked Ichigo. 

"Oh, the academy office makes a prediction of each student's outcome at the school based on their entrance exam results."

"Why?"

"To motivate them, I guess." He glanced at Ichigo's paper. "Or to prepare them, in some cases."

"What does yours say?"

He hastily began to fold it up. "Uh, that's not important."

"Let me see!" he snatched the paper and opened it up, reading aloud the last line. "Predicted Status: Virgin Until Age 45." He glanced up at Uryuu, whose cheeks were bright red. "Well, good luck with that I guess."

They continued down the walkway until Uryuu stopped at one of the doors and opened it. Inside was a well-furnished room with a red carpet and mahogany walls.

With nothing in it.

"Is this where we sleep?" Ichigo asked. "I call this corner."

"No, you idiot. Look." Uryuu pointed at an orange button in the wall in front of them under an LCD screen.

"How can we fit in there?"

"No. Press the button so that the method of entrance can be chosen."

Ichigo, confused and curious, approached the screen and pressed the button. Phrases began to flash across the screen in orange print, too fast for Ichigo to read. He stared intently at the screen until, after a few seconds, the phrases stopped cycling and one stayed on the screen. Ichigo read it aloud.

"Rabid grizzly bear?"

He heard a deep roar behind him, turned around, and looked up to see just that: a rabid grizzly bear. The two boys shrieked in terror as the bear swiped at them, and Ichigo's eyes sight went to black. As he opened his eyes, he saw he was on the floor, and moved to get up. The grizzly bear was gone; in fact, they were in another room altogether.

It was furnished like the room from before, but was a lot larger and in the shape of a circle, with one round wall all around. There were chairs, desks, and windows all around, plus a fireplace and a staircase leading up to another walkway with more doors leading away. There were students of all years around the room, studying, reading, talking, and other stuff that students do.

Ichigo, stretching, looked to Uryuu, standing beside him. "What the hell was that?"

"It's a high-level kidou. It warped us to the other side of the building."

"This is... starting to dangerously resemble Harry Potter."

Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing and glared at Ichigo, dead silent.

Uryuu chuckled nervously. "He was just kidding! It's the hair... he put too much chemicals in his hair and bleached his brain."

One random kid in the room said out loud, "Oh, so that's why they call it Bleach." And then the room went back to its activities.

"Around here we don't mention Arry-hay Otter-pay," whispered Uryuu urgently. "It's bad juju."

"But I-"

"Bad. Juju." As Uryuu took Ichigo through the room, he saw a few people he recognized like Chad and Tatsuki socializing with other students. Up the stairs, they got to another door (which Ichigo desperately hoped wasn't another randomized entrance room), behind which was a short hallway leading to a large room with five beds down the wall.

"This is my bed," Uryuu said, pointing at the closest one, "and that's yours." He pointed to the fourth one down.

Ichigo nodded. "Okay. Cool. So."

"So."

"So... what do we do now?"

Uryuu slapped a palm to his face. "Don't tell me we've been put in another spot that will take a month to figure out. If only the author of this thing didn't suck so much at writing..."

"Hah! You just did a meta reference!" After a laugh, Ichigo frowned, sighing. "You know what would really be great is some sort of literary device to get this story going somewhere."

Hey... great idea! Why didn't I think of that?

"Because you suck."

You forget I can do this.

Ichigo was suddenly shocked by a bolt of lightning from the sky, charring him cartoonishly to a crisp.

"Good point."

Just then Renji and Kame entered the room. "Hey, it's that orange hair kid from last chapter. What happened to you?"

"I angered the voice..."

"Eh... okay. Are you two staying in this room too?" Kame asked. Uryuu nodded.

Renji grinned. "That means we're roommates! Oh this is so great. We can stay up late and talk about girls, and tell scary stories, and share each others' poetry, and do each other's hair!"

Everyone stopped and stared in an awkward silence, which Kame eventually broke. "So yeah... we were gonna go out tonight to celebrate the last days of summer vacation. You guys want to come along? We can show you around the Seireitei."

Ichigo, who was suddenly and for no logical reason back to normal, answered, "Yeah, that sounds good. Let's go."

Yay! The story is now actually going somewhere. Chapter 7 hopefully up ASAP. If it makes you feel better it doesn't seem I'll be as busy this semester so I should have more free time. Review please! I'm not so confident about this chapter so any problems or comments at all please let me know. Pretty please?

Oh and by the by... a meta reference is when characters in a story acknowledge that they are in a story. I came across this term a couple weeks ago and thought it was just the most awesome thing in the world that they have a word for that.


	7. Why Not to Drive Unsafe Vehicles

**Disclaimer: Rien n'est à moi... pas Bleach, pas Soul Society, non plus Rukia... ah ma chère Rukia! Que je te veuille...**

A/N: Wow, it's been months since I've updated. Just wanted to let you all know I'm still alive and I still haven't given up on this story. To tell you the truth, these days I'm more into Death Note. Awesome show! But this one's great too, definitely my no. 2 favorite anime.

As far as when I'll be able to write... even after I graduate from high school next month I'll be going right to boot camp and tech school from June till November (yeah I'm in the air force now... but just as a reservist) but I figure after all that I'll have more free time when I move away to go to college.

But anyway, I digress. Here's chapter 7! :) Enjoy it, it might be the last one... oh and if you forgot Kame is my OC who is basically me.

**Chapter 7**

Ichigo, Renji, Kame, and Uryuu made their way out of the dormitory hall (the randomized means of exit was implosion-inducing gravity... not a personal favorite) and back out into the warm, sunny gardens of the Academy. From their they walked, and walked, and walked some more until they finally got to the entrance and walked out into the Seireitei.

"So what do you wanna do?" Kame asked, scratching his chin. "You wanna give hobos fake welfare checks and watch them try to cash them again?"

Renji shook his head. "No, the bank people chased us with pitchforks last time we did that."

"True... that's not something we want to repeat."

They wandered around for a few minutes until coming across an Internet café which they entered. They were seated at a round, four-chair table, each chair with a laptop in front of it on the table as the waitress took their order.

"How do you keep these computers powered?" asked Uryuu. "I don't see any wires."

"It's magic, silly!" answered the waitress. "Oh, wait. I mean it's made of spirit particles that lets it act with other computers and things like that."

"Yeah, that's the _legal_ answer," muttered Ichigo as she walked away. "Well it's good to have a chance to surf the web. At home I never get a chance on the computer because my dad's always downloading recipes."

"Does he like to cook?" asked Uryuu.

"Yeah. What he does is he takes all the recipes in a pile and burns them to make a fire to cook his boar roast over."

"Why does he have to use recipes? Why can't it just be regular paper?" In response, a cloud formed next to Ichigo's head from which appeared his faithful father.

"Because it adds extra flavor!" exclaimed the man. Ichigo swiftly swung his arm upwards, hitting his father in the face with his fist. "Stay out of it!"

He rubbed his bleeding nose tenderly. "Why you gotta be like that? Why can't you just love me?"

"Go away!" Ichigo flapped his hands at the cloud until it dissipated into air.

Renji and Kame, in the meantime, had been scrolling through websites. "Hey look at this," Renji pointed out. " Fanfiction. net – unleash your imagination. I wonder what that's about."

"Sounds like something for losers who have nothing better to do," answered Kame. "Although I somehow feel as though I'm familiar with it. As if I have an alter ego who comes to this website."

"That doesn't even make sense."

Yeah but you know how I just love referencing myself in this story.

"Huh?" Renji looked around confused. "Did that stool over there just talk to me? Or was it... the voice again?"

"I've actually posted a few stories on this site," Ichigo said. He leaned over to Renji's computer, typed in a link, and pressed 'enter'. A profile screen came up.

* * *

StrawberryRulez

_action: Feed. Send Message. Subscribe. Favorite_

_beta: Beta Reader Profile_

_since: 02-21-06, id: 777777, Profile edited: 12-08-07_

_Author has written 2 stories for Death Note, and CSI: Barbie._

* * *

Renji raised an eyebrow. "CSI: Barbie?"

"It's a good show. Click on 'feed' by action. Feed me!"

Renji did so, and as he did a cupcake appeared out of the space in front of Ichigo. "Sweet!" He ate it happily. "Go look at my stories too!" He scrolled down past the profile to the stories list below.

* * *

1. Luck of the Draw _reviews_

Light and Ryuzaki are stuck on a game show and the host is Ryuk! How will these rivals work together to win the prize? Read and find out! Please review because I crave human interaction.

* * *

Renji blinked. "Do I... want to read this?" Uryuu shook his head. "Knowing Ichigo, you probably shouldn't."

"I'm bored now," stated Kame decisively, "and thus by association so are the rest of you. Let's go find something else to do."

They wandered a bit farther down the bustling avenue until they arrived at a bar with two large men standing on either side of the doorway on the inside of the building.

"That's looks like fun..." Ichigo glanced at the sign next to the door. "Under 210 not admitted..." He pondered. "If I grew a beard would I look 210?"

"It would have to be a really, really long beard."

Kame stepped forward. "Ha, never fear! I'll get us in there." He popped his collar and walked towards the doorway. "Just let me work my charm on these guys..."

Three seconds after he entered the building, Renji had to step aside as he was thrown out the door, landing on his face.

"I believe I came in with a hat!" A chapeau was then thrown out from inside the door. "Sweet, free hat. Holy crap! Beat it!" They sprinted away as the two men gave chase.

They spent the rest of the day walking around the Seireitei, seeing the sights. They arrived at the Academy doors at dusk. As they entered, they saw Chad, Orihime, and Tatsuki talking. They greeted the four as they approached.

"Well today was fun," said Orihime.

"What'd you guys do?" Ichigo asked.

"Oh, we had a girls' day out with Rukia," she answered. "And we just came back, which is why we're here in the annex for no other apparent reason."

"Why is Chad here then?"

"Because I've only gotten, what, like three lines in this story so far?" said Chad, annoyed. "It's about time I did something. You guys just hate me 'cuz I'm black."

Tatsuki scratched her head. "Black? I thought you were Mexican? I'm confused..."

"Well, anyway," Ichigo interrupted, "today was a good day and I'm sure it will end good too."

"AAAARRGHHH!! Watch out! Run-away golf cart!" Keigo came barreling at them on a golf cart over which he apparently had lost control. Everyone dodged out of the way except for...

"Ichigo! Look out!" But it was too late. Ichigo was hit dead-on and knocked unconscious. That night, Ichigo was put on his bed to rest and Keigo was put on dormitory probation, keeping him locked away in his dormitory and permitted to leave only to go to class for three weeks. It was all on his schedule's predicted status: Recreational equipment-related Catastrophe.

Ichigo woke up the next night. Because he was unconscious when he was supposed to get his uniform, Uryuu got it for him. As Ichigo awoke, he sat up and looked around to see everyone else sleeping soundly in their beds, and that the clock read 3:32. With a great sigh he fell back onto the bed and went back to enjoy the few hours of sleep before getting up the next day.

Classes were finally starting... and it only took seven chapters to build up to it. Man, I'm a slow writer. Well that's it for this chapter, expect chapter 8 within the next month, maybe sooner. Reviews please and again sorry for the time constraints!


End file.
